A few years ago I subscribed to a video game equivalent of Netflix called Gamefly. After a few months of paying for the service, I cancelled it because I just wasn't using it enough to be justifiable.
Ever since that day, I've been getting periodic emails begging me to become a subscriber again, but for a cheaper monthly price. Today, I'd had enough, and tapped out the following reply in hopes that the emails would stop.
I'm sorry, but it's just not working out. I've met someone else. Yes, I love her. Why would you want to know something that's just going to sting? Masochism doesn't look good on you.
It's not that you're a bad person, per se, it's just that I don't feel we're compatible. No, no, there's no reason to cry. And cheapening yourself as a ploy to get me back? Nobody should have to do that, not even you, Gamefly.
But I will give you one thing; you're persistent. There is a point, though, where persistence is looked upon as being pathetic, and you passed that point about 10 miles back.
Oh man, I can't believe we've even had to let it get this far. I should've told you that I wasn't feelin' it, that I just wasn't that into you. For that, I apologize. Instead of confronting an issue, I tend to avoid it in hopes that it'll just go away. That's why I haven't been returning your emails. You don't seem to get the hint, though.
I know there's someone out there for you. You'll find them soon, don't worry. You're fun, loyal, and most of all, a cheap date. Though you and I may not have worked out, there are a million guys out there that would die to have you on their arm. True, they're 13 and living off cheetos and Mt Dew, and suffering from "Nintendo Thumb", but that's a start, right? People with Nintendo Thumb need love, too.
Listen, I have to go. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I really, really am. Oh, stop it, you can too live without me. You'll be fine. For what it's worth, I had a lot of fun during the time we spent together, but I've moved on, and well, you obviously haven't. I'm looking for something different, something that can't be found while sitting on the couch with a bong and a controller. That's your idea of heaven, not mine.
Take care of yourself, Gamefly. I hope you find whatever, or whoever, it is that you're looking for. Believe me when I say that you deserve better than I ever gave you.
Too harsh? Too late, I already sent it.