Irritable Male Syndrome

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I am in a billion times better mood today. Why?

I got to hang out with my year-old neice for a bit yesterday, and she's finally starting to look less and less alien and more like a miniature human. And that makes me happy. No, she's not disfigured at all, it's just that babies are weird looking.

I am happy over all, but I've come down with a cold that, even though it makes my voice uncharacteristically sexy, it makes me more annoyed at little things that really don't matter.

But, you get to hear about them.

Mini Martini drinkers:
Fuck these people. I can understand drinking a martini so big that it costs your first born and requires a $100 glass deposit, because that's a lot of booze. I'm all about a lot of booze. But, when you're sipping a one ounce drink out of a little, teensy glass that you can't squeeze too hard for fear that it might crumble, it doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look like an asshole. Stop being a pussy and drink it out of a shot glass or a lowball.

Shitty tattoos:
Now, I'm sure that people look at my tattoos and want to say "Holy shit, dude, those tattoos are shitty!", and you know, sometimes I'd probably agree with them. There are, though, some things that people shouldn't get permanently jammed into their skin with a needle.

For one, a barbed-wire arm band tattoo. Or any arm-band tattoo for that matter. The only exception to that is if the arm band is huge, but I suppose that would technically make it a partial sleeve, and those are just cool. Any time I see a girl with an arm-band tattoo, I can guarantee that it will be paired with big boobs, a halter top and a teased mop of Aqua-Net drenched white hair. It never fails.

Any time I see this combination, I want to run up to them and scream "Hey, look everybody, it's not Pamela Anderson!" Not even Pamela Anderson wants to be Pamela Anderson most of the time, and I can't imagine why anyone else would want to be.

Another tattoo I hate is on the lower back of women, mostly because they place it there under the misconception that the skin doesn't stretch. True, it won't stretch if you get pregnant like it would if, say, it was on your belly, but it still requires that you don't get enormously fat. Ever see a fat person with a skinny back? No, because that area will get bigger and stretch just as much as any other spot on the body, and when a flowery tattoo spans out into the love handles, it's going to stretch.

And you know what else I don't like? Tattoos of eyes. They creep me out. STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Stupid hat wearing girls:
There are only two types of hats that girls should ever wear: beanies and straight baseball caps. There is nothing worse than an attractive women ruining their look by adding a goddamn Von Dutch cap(turned sideways for coolness!) or a pink, fuzzy J.Lo hat. The only similarities between you and J Lo is that your face looks like her ass(both fat), and anything Von Dutch screams out "Hey, look at me! I'm stupid enough to pay $40 for a hat that makes me look stupid!"

Wait, there is one more hat that women can wear. A hat like this, but I think I might be biased because the girl in the picture is fucking gorgeous.


At 9:49 AM, Blogger Marilyndrew said...

THIS is your BETTER mood?


At 10:15 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Keep thinking... Vegas is only a few months away for good thoughts :)

Add spandex wearing "larger" persons to the list. Jiggle-jiggle does not make me giggle-giggle.

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Dr. Pauly said...

There's a faux commercial on Saturday Night Live where they addressed lower back tatoo removal on middle-aged women... it was pretty friggin' hilarious!


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