Irritable Male Syndrome

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

In a recent Men's Health Magazine, there was an article titled "The 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman".

On the surface, the following advice looks normal enough, and I'm sure that there are even a few women will eat this shit up with a spoon without reading too much into it. The problem is, as the male form, we know what we want to say, but not always the best way to say it so our intended meaning is conveyed properly. Also, many women overanalyze everything and read too much into what the man is saying. In other words, they're crazy.

Hey, I never said that we were all that bright in the first place.

Saying anything like the following is a sure-fire way to be the only guy in bed with a naked girl that's guaranteed to not get laid.

(Bold=Men's Health advice. The two lines underneath each are my additions.)

"Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"
What I mean: "I don't always have to pound-pound-pound away. I like to make love sometimes, too".
What she thinks:"If we don't take it slow, you're going to come again in less than 5 seconds. Why can't you fuck me like I want to be fucked?"

"Want to join me in the shower?"
What I mean:"Sex in the shower the dirtiest way to get clean, and it's fucking ho-o-o-t."
What she thinks "You're telling me that I smell like rotting halibut and need a good scrubbing. Let's see if you ever get head again."

"I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."
What I mean: You have an incredible body that I can't get enough of"
What she thinks: Even my ass? Fucking pig!"

"I love how you taste."
What I mean: "You taste good. Simple enough."
What she thinks:" What--is there a time when I don't taste good? I bet there is, otherwise you'd mention that I taste good all the time."

"Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)
What I mean: "Do you feel the passion/spark/connection?"
What she thinks: "I wish you'd just stop asking for penis validation already. It's getting old."

"Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."
What I mean: "I'll do anything that makes you more comfortable."
What she thinks: "Are you trying to make me fat? You're trying to make me fat!"

"I'll get the light."
What I mean: "You're comfortable and you're naked--let me get out this warm bed to turn the light on/off so that you don't have to"
What she thinks:"Holy shit, you're disgusted by the sight of my body and can't even make love to me with the light on! I'm such a whale. While you're up, you might as well grab that can of Pringles, a pound of butter and the maple syrup, because it could be a while until I'm craving something other than Pringles pancakes."

"I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."
What I mean: "I'm comfortable here with you, and getting out of bed is the last thing I want to do."
What she thinks: "Fuck, I'm an independent woman and you, a shmuck that I barely know, already wants to hoard all my time. It's my time. My time. I'm not letting some limp-dicked, three second boy turn me codependent. Where's my phone? The next time you walk your his hairy-assed self to the bathroom, I'm calling my girlfriend to tell them about this shit you're trying to pull. Men are such assholes!"

"No one's ever done that before."
What I mean: "Wow, that was amazing. Please do that again, and then repeat as necessary."
What she thinks: "You didn't like it, otherwise you would've complimented me on my skill. I better not do that anymore."

"Can we do that again?"
What I mean: "Can we, as in both of us, simultaneously, do that again."
What she thinks: "I can't believe you're so selfish to think that I'd be the one doing all the work again!"

Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.
What I mean: "I like you a lot, and I'm trying to build the sexual tension by staring deeply into your eyes that resemble azure pools."
What she thinks:"I wish he'd stop staring at me, because this is becoming really uncomfortable. What, do I have a booger?"

While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."
What I mean: "I'm the luckiest guy alive right now because I'm in bed with a hot-ass girl, and all of those people outside are jealous."
What she thinks:"Oh shit, you're using reverse psychology on me. By mentioning those people on the street, you're really saying that you want to be out there with them. I better go."

While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"
What I mean: "What are you thinking about? I'm trying to figure out how your brain works."
What she thinks: "What do I see? What the fuck do you mean, what do I see? I see the moonlight. Are you calling me dumb because I don't see what you see?"

"I'll go make coffee."
What I mean: "Once again, just like with the light, I'll get out of bed to do something for you, and you can stay comfortable."
What she thinks: "You have a sheisse fetish."

"Let's play hooky today."
What I mean: Let's both call in sick to work, order pizza, drink a few beers and have floor joist breaking sex in every damn room in the house."
What she thinks: " I can't believe you're trying to get me fired in order to make me a live-at-home girlfriend!!"

"Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."
What I mean: "Just let me know when you're coming, because I have no clue since you're not a squirter."
What she thinks: "I can believe you don'tt know when I'm coming! What a selfish ass! Looks like I'm faking it. Again."

Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.
What I mean: "Fuck. FUCK! Holy fuck. Jesus fuck, that's good!
What she thinks: "I better not do that anymore, because you might think that I've slept around to get this good. Even though that's exactly how I've acquired this skill, it's better that you not know that."

"I'm ready to go again."
What I mean:"I'll do my best the second go-round, but I'm not promising an orgasm on your end".
What she thinks: "You better last more than a minute this time. Also, can you get that thing any harder, Softie?"

"Damn, I've missed you."
What I mean: "I've missed you."
What she thinks: "Codependent much?"

"How about a massage?"
What I mean: "How about a massage?"
What she thinks: "I'm on to you--first you start with my shoulders, and then you slowly work your way down my back. After my back, you'll work your way up from my feet, ending with my inner thighs. Though you won't directly touch my already tingling nether region, you'll lightly brush around it enough times in order to get me hot. The next thing I know, you're balls deep screaming your mother's name, and I don't know if I'm ready for that again."

Eh, that one is spot on. If I offer up a massage, I'm also trying to get laid.

Playful laughter.
What I mean: I'm having fun, hence the laugh.
What she thinks: I hate your laugh. Stop.

"Don't ever leave me."
What I mean: "I love you, and don't know what I'd do without you."
What she thinks: "If I ever leave you, you're going to hunt me down covered in war paint--a bowie knife in your right hand and every picture we've ever taken together in your left, screaming out "How could you do this to me? I LOVE YOU!" Is there such a thing as a preemptive restraining order?"


At 9:52 PM, Blogger Amy said...

That was hilarious! My favorite is "Do you feel this too?" :)

At 4:53 AM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

"because you're not a squirter"


At 9:31 PM, Blogger April said...

You might also enjoy this -


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