Now that summer is officially upon us, I thought I'd go way out of my way to provide to you, anonymous reader, a public service. Summer is a time for fun; going to the beach and ogling people with a lot less skin than I have is one of those ways to have a shitload of it. There are plenty of things that are must-do's during the summer as well. For example, enjoying your favorite beer on your favorite patio. Now that's what I call enjoyment.

There are some definite don'ts, too. Like, oh I don't know, don't sit out all day in the sun without suncreen. Any way you look at it, that's no bueno. Peeling skin is kind of fun. Peeling scabs doesn't tickle like you'd think it would, though.

This following will be my first installment in what I like to call Do's and Don'ts of Enjoying a Minneapolis Summer

DON'T!

When you're on a wooden deck, don't refill a bamboo tiki torch with citronella, light it and walk away. Wanna know why?

If you do, your roommate will point at the blazing inferno that has started on the corner of the deck--that you can't see because you're inside, by the way-- squeal and say "OH! OH! OH!" while a) not hurriedly trying to find something wet to put it out with, and b) not clueing you in to the fact that the house is afire.

Because we all know the quickest way to suffocate flames is not with water, but with incoherent babbling and a well-placed pointer finger.

Also, when you finally procure enough water to douse the flames, make sure you're careful about how you attempt to put it out. From what I hear, water has the tendency to spread what is basically an oil fire. Sometimes even spreading it on to power lines that are 5 or 6 feet below the deck. Yeah, so I've heard.

So there you have it. Pure, unabashed summer advice. Stay tuned for another installment...sometime soon? Sounds good to me.