The coffee is kicking in, my stomach is empty, so please forgive this in advance.

Why do brunettes dye their hair blonde and still, possibly, by any stretch of the imagination, think it looks good? Your eyebrows don't match, damn it.

I haven't had a decent drink since Sunday, so I'm a little standoffish. I'm ready to rip shit up.

I suppose I've been sitting on this long enough, so I give you...drumroll please...

Ahem, somebody give me a fucking drumroll, ok?

Listen to me.

Thank you.

Without further ado, I have to let you in on a little secret that's taken me 30 years to realize. It depresses me now that I've finally learned, but I suppose it had to happen sometime. Prepare to have your mind blown. Ready? Good.

Porn isn't real

Holy shit, huh? Before you think that I'm just pulling your well-greased tit, I'll give you a thorough explanation.

If the real world was anything like porn, I'd be having sex with a girl, a buddy would walk in, and instead of everyone getting freaked out, the girl would say, "Hey, the more[holes plugged] the merrier[my digestive tract becomes], and the DP would start in. No lube, no easin' it in, just Vvvoooop, right in. "Vvvoooop" is the sound that DP makes, I guess.

But luckily, porn isn't real life. Not even close. That's never happened to me. I have a "one dick per room" rule, and if I'm in the room(which tends to happen wherever I go), that dick is going to be mine. I don't think I have to mention my "one dick per woman I'm dating" rule. No other naked dudes, regardless of who they're doing. There's enough pressure on me as is with women critiquing me, I don't need hear criticism from a guy's perspective, too.

Dude, that's as deep as it'll go unless I decide to jump in head first.

If real girls were anything like porn starlets, every girl I've ever dated would ask me to spray her in the face with my man-goo, all the while with a smile as wide as the Grand Canyon. Oh yeah, and she's running a hand down her taut stomach towards her exquisite vagina and slapping her perfect ass at the same time. That smile only growing larger when my rope shoots her right in the eye, no recoil or anthing. A trooper.

Oddly enough, this has never happened to me. I've never had a girl request that I shoot her anywhere let alone somewhere important, like an eye. And anytime I try this nifty move on the sly, the girl specifically states "NOT IN MY EYE!". What gives? Where are these women that put on a happy face while I do my best to destroy depth perception?

Fine then, the ear it is.

If porn was real life, the pizza delivery men/janitors/plumbers of the world would get laid much more than they do. Granted, I can't speak for everyone involved, but women, when was the last time you had a pizza delivered and thought "Ooo, it makes me so hot when a man gets paid per mile! Do me, cheese boy!"

Never, right? That's what I thought.

On the converse, to all my plumbing/pizza delivery readership: how many times have you been laid directly because of your job? At all? Probably not. That would be like me getting laid due to my job. Not happening.

Contrary to what modern porn would like us to believe, it's not easy to coerce a girl back to the apartment to have sex with you. And to that I say "Phooey!".

Whether she's hitchiking, sitting at the bus stop, or studying for her Rocket Science test in the school library--by herself, always by herself(well, sometimes she's there with an apprehensive boyfriend, but whatever)--girls just don't get in the Chester Chester, Child-molester van, even if you shake a hundred dollar bill in front of her face.

Most girls aren't slutty, broke college students that will do anything to pay tuition. Crazy, I know! My whole belief system is crumbling.

Some of my friends, that just happen to be girls, destroyed another porn myth, that I long thought true; size does matter, just not Bongo Bat sized.

I assumed, illogically, that most women wanted a huge tool rammed--the bigger the better--in and out of them at high rates of speed. Stupid me, how was I to know that some of those "ouches" I heard in downloaded porn were actually cries of pain?

Apparently, real girls don't need the penile equivalent of being fisted to have the experience be a pleasurable one. Who knew? And all this time I'd been attaching a shampoo bottle to the end of my wang, and wrapping the bottle/wang combo in 35 condoms to increase girth and length, and not one girl said a word about it! Not one!

And just one little quick about location, sex on the beach--literally makin' hump on the beach, not the drink--just doesn't work. And it isn't sexy. Unless you consider that terrible saltwater taste in your mouth and sand compacted deep in every orifice sexy, well, more power to you.

Nothing about porn is real. The sets, the people involved, even the sex itself. It's all a facade. A farce. All men don't have the quivalent of a 32oz Nalgene bottle hanging between their well-sculpted legs. And all girls in the world aren't 18 years old, nubile and shaved.



If they were, I could never be a high school teacher.