Irritable Male Syndrome

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I have a little bit of time while I run some process(that you couldn't care less about) in the background, so I might as well write something, even if it's directionless bullshit that pops into my head.

Sitting here in my cube, eating a ham, turkey and cheese Lean Pocket(Lean, because regular Hot Pockets go straight to my ass) with a knife and fork, just like Costanza and a candy bar, and I must admit that I feel a little retarded doing so. It feels odd. It feels unnatural, but I assure you that my actions are warranted.

You see, I eat Lean Pockets for work lunch at least 3 times a week. They're quick, easy, and require little-to-no financial committment on my part--just like my last girfriend! And they taste as though God himself filled them with his love; or at least I hope that's his love. I've eaten so many of these delectable little pastries over the past few years, that I imagine the Hot Pockets Board of Directors kneeling before that picture I sent them awhile back, praising my insatiable Hot Pocket habit because it's sure to keep them afloat for many years to come. I've put factory employees spawn through college, people.

A few months ago, they changed the style of ham they put in their Hot Pockets, though--to deli thin ham.

Yes, I realize it's pathetic that I eat something so much that I knew immediately when they changed the formula. I'm predictable. I know this.

That's all well and good because I loves me some deli thin ham, but the ham is so thin that it's impossible to chew through without getting a face full of molten cheese covered ham-goo. If only I was into Foodie porn. Sigh.

But to allay the fears of all my Furry friends out there reading this, I'll let you know that though I love food, I don't love it like that.

I love Wikipedia, but someone has got to do something about the woefully inadequate Furry Wiki. Then again, I'd be just fine with the vagueness.

On another sad note, I am eagerly anticipating the release of Guitar Hero II for Xbox 360 on April 3rd. I'm excited--for a fucking video game--at 31 years of age. I did wait in line for a few hours on the night that Halo 2 was released, but I was out there more for the, um, writing fodder that could not be passed up, rather than my desire to be the first to play a game that features neither nudity nor sluts. I know, I was disappointed, too.

Guitar Hero is different, though. It's fun. Like, really fun. The only thing that could possibly make the game any better would be to up the rating to Mature upon the addition of a mode where the Guitar Hero gets laid, nightly, just for being a Guitar Hero. I want to ask The Girl if I can be her Guitar Hero, but I really don't think she'd be impressed, nor that her panties might miraculously end up on the stage that I built in my studio apartment over the weekend.

Thusly, yes thusly, the new ads would absolutely, no question about it, have to use the tagline "Do you have any Guitar Hero in you? Want some? Please? I'm clean! I swear! How about a handjob?"

Love, Chad

PS-For those of you that bitched about having to sign up to comment, just do it! Please? How about a handjob?


At 2:03 PM, Blogger Missy said...

I would love your version of Guitar Hero. It wouldn't be a far cry from reality!!


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