Tivo is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't let my current--or past for that matter--girlfriend(s) tell you any different.

I wish I could say the same for my ISP. When I first moved into my new apartment, Time Warner was in the process of getting deep-throated by Comcast, and I was under the impression that my address was unable to get high-speed internet through Comcast. When I plugged my info into their website, it said that the address wasn't in the system. So, I went with my only other option, an option that's not so much high speed as it is, um, slow speed.

BOOYAH!

Last night I tried to download a Xbox 360° demo that was only 1MB, and it took over four hours. I probably could've driven to--and returned from--where the server on which the download is hosted in less time. Also, do you know how frustrating it is to download porn to watch the next day? When all you want is your porn and video games yesterday, it's very frustrating. Good thing I don't download my food from the internet, huh? HUH?

Anyhow, I went to the Comcast site today, and HUZZAH!, my address is now listed in their database. Here's how the day is gone for me, so far.

--Price out high speed internet, come to the conclusion that paying $60/month is akin to getting financially sexually assualted(because being financially raped is no joke, people). After a little further investigation I notice that, because my building pays $52/month for my standard cable, I'm able to upgrade to digital cable for only $15/month and get Fox Soccer Channel, and I really, really want Fox Soccer Channel. That's all I want by upgrading, actually, but the bonus is now I get Oxygen, too!

Plus, my high speed internet drops to $42/month because we all know that charging $3 less a month for two services over just one, well, that makes perfect sense. Perhaps that is why I wasn't a business major.

But when I try to order both services through the website, they require me to give them my 1st and 3rd born children, my right testicle, julienned and served with a nice vinagrette, and give them an absurd amount of money for "installation charge".

Fuck that!

Like I'm going to pay someone to trudge into my apartment with dirty boots(while I wait quietly in the bathroom because that's the only place to get away from anybody in my apartment) to perform something that I could do by myself. It's not like the technician has to connect the cable in the basement; I already have working cable, damn it!

--I decide to ask an online representative by chatting through the super awesome Comcast chat client. 45 minutes of waiting in queue--and one question by me--later, "Jennifer" tells me to call the local support number. Thanks for all your help, Jennifer!

--I call the local support number and talk to the most helpful person I've probably every encountered in dealing with customer service. She answers every question, calms every concern I have about paying out the ass, and even makes fun of herself when she fumbles over a word. And when she did fumble over a word, I could still understand her. Outsourcing, what?

She tells me everything that I wanted to hear; that I can, indeed, get out of paying all those stupid installation charges by picking up and installing the cable box and modem myself. Nice! She said that she'd put all the info in my file and the person that helps me at the service center would know exactly what was going on.

--I drive 20 minutes to pick up the equipment, and when I get there, the girl with the eyebrows shaded with permanent marker(black Magnum, natch) and the guy that smelled kind of funny had to tag-team my account to get me settled in. Why did it take both of them? Well, because the only information that was in the system was my name and phone number, and neither of them had any idea what was going on. Duh.

At one point the guy was trying to tell me I had to call the customer service again and have them take another order so that he could fill it, because I guess it was impossible for him to both take an order and process it to get me out the door. When I said that I already did that, he caved and gave me all the stuff I needed and sent me on my way.

Right now I'm staring at a digital cable box, a non-descript box that holds my cable modem, and a self install kit for my high speed internet access, thinking; what are the chances that I'll get all of this hooked up only to have it fuck up my Tivo, and ultimately my Season Pass to every show featuring that studly home remodeler, Ty Pennington?

I clearly did not think this all the way through.