Last night on the way to my soccer game, I got a call from my mom. She told that there had been a process server at her place earlier in the day, looking for me. You know, serving me papers because I'm such a huge deadbeat dad/criminal/harmer of other people's property. I knew immediately why they were there, though. (But let's not talk about why they tried to serve them to me at an address I haven't lived at for 14 years, or why the very professional process server let my mom partially read the papers. The words "severe emotional anguish" were included.)

4 years ago I was involved in a small accident outside of my apartment. I was parked and planned to u-turn and head south to drop off a friend at her car that we left at the bar the previous night(but didn't find out until right after the accident that her car was parked two up from mine. Whoops!).

The street I lived on was super quiet, and for some reason I didn't even think to look over my shoulder to see what might be coming. I just didn't think there would be anyone coming.

My car was two feet into the u-turn, when my left front bumper collided with an engaged couple in a Jeep Cherokee traveling north. Collided is such a strong word, though. I didn't get far enough out in the street for him to collide with me. His front right tire popped, and my bumper left a scrape mark down the right side of his vehicle. There wasn't even a dent if I remember correctly, just that scrape. I was able to reattach my bumper with a swift kick and some spit.

We spent the next 1/2 hour on the phone with both of our insurance providers(I think he had Geico, too), filed a police report, changed their tire(he even helped), and they were on their way, probably to try to con some other unexpecting shlub out of their hard-earned money.

Since that time, I'd occasionally get a call from the lady at Geico handling my case, saying that the couple was still making claims from the accident for injuries, but that they were taking care of it. Oh come the fuck on! There was absolutely no way they had any injuries. Well, unless they had brittle eggshell bones(covered by paper mache skin), of course. Other than that, they were absolutely fine.

I'm not a tough guy by any stretch of the imagination, but for crying out loud, rub some dirt in it, people, and stop bothering me with your enormous gashy-ness. My accident wasn't the cause of whatever problems you claim to be ailing from.

Then why am I being hunted down by a process server? Because Geico refuses to pay what they're requesting. They know a hustle when they see one.

Get this; The lady has been to the chiropractor 113 times since, and to a back specialist about 30 times. She had an MRI, which came back negative. She probably told the MRI Tech to do it again, because that's what a-holes do. She was asking for $40,000 in medical bills and "damages". Geico offered $4,000 and she didn't take that offer.

The man, well, there was a lapse of 18 months in his treatment, and he just recently filed another claim, stating my accident as the cause. Not sure what condition(s) he had that decided to take a year and a half siesta, but I'm not a doctor, either. I consulted a doctor friend, he told me that the guy likely suffers from assholery.

Anyhow, he was asking for $13,000, Geico offered him $1,000 basically to get him to go away. He refused that, too. So now they're coming after me, obviously because I'm big pimpin' here in the city, because I have so much money that I can just throw it towards some swishy, lawsuit-happy couple that are too lazy to make money by, oh I don't know, working at a job. Or earning it. That's crazy talk, I know.

When I got off the phone with my mom, I was pissed. Justifiably so, too. I mean, here are two people that I know are lying, and they're trying to cheat me out of money. It's one thing when they're nickel and dime-ing a huge corporation, but me? The seat belt in my car is broken; how would I be able to afford this? How in the hell would I be able to afford a lawyer? Where would I even find a lawyer? And am I going to have to take a day off of work to sit in a courtroom with these people? Is a cockpunch a felony or a misdemeanor?

I'm a little calmer this morning after getting off the phone with someone at Geico. She told me-- not in these exact terms, but close--that they're pretty much going down flailing, hoping the hit something on the way down. Geico doesn't believe their outrageous claims, so now they're coming after me. But, if that poor process server (that drove 40 miles out of the city to an address I lived at in high school. Idiot) finally catches up with me, my insurance company will deal with it. Lawyer and court fees are covered by my premium, so that's good. I'm safe here.

Bu why do people do shit like this? Why does it seem to be de rigeur to blame somebody other than ourselves for our own problems. For all I know, these people do have legitimate health problems, but they definitely weren't caused by me. It's probably all due to their fat-ass laziness, but what do I know? It's also very possible that they have no health issues whatsoever, but they saw an opportunity to pounce on what they thought was a wealthy person, or one with wealthy parents(the house I lived at was a $600k+ house in a wealthy neighborhood, but I rented a 3rd floor apartment with two other guys) and ran with it.

Whatever their deal is, it still amazes me that people like them do a) attempt something like this, b)that someone just like them will get away with it. Pisses me off a little, too.